Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I Gotta Feeling

Yesterday I broke up with my boyfriend of 9 months.

He didn't cheat, he wasn't a slob, he wasn't stupid, he wasn't cheap. He loved me. And I broke up with him.

Logical? Not at first glance. Easy to do? Not at all. Impulsive? Nope. The right decision? The jury's still out on that one.

I've known my now-ex-boyfriend for about 18 years. We dated for a few months after I graduated high school, but for reasons I can't remember, I broke up with him. Most likely because I was 18, starting college and working; and having a boyfriend in another county was just too difficult.

Since then, I've had other boyfriends, been married, had a kid, got divorced.... and he's dated a bit, but not much.

We started hanging out again about 2 years ago, but we didn't decide to actually "date" again until May of last year. We live in different counties and attend different churches, so since we started dating, we've been able to see each other, on average, once a week. If I really tried to recall all the times we went out on real "dates" without friends, family or my daughter, it would probably be less than 10 times. Suffice it to say, when two adults are living with their parents and one has a child, it makes it really hard to spend time alone.

But that's not why I broke up with him. I broke up with him for the same reason you would break up with someone after the 2nd or 3rd date: you're just not feeling it.

And that's harsh, I know. But it's honest.

I've known him for so long, it was hard to tell at first if I wasn't feeling "it" because "it" wasn't there, or if "it" was just different because we've been friends waaaay longer than we've been boyfriend/girlfriend.

He's a great guy. We get along very well, our senses of humor are so on the same track (demented, but the same nonetheless), he's great to my daughter (who also likes him very much), we like a lot of the same things, we don't care that the other isn't really interested in our favorite type of music, our parents get along well, we have a lot of the same friends, we go to the same "brand" of church, have the same political views, and we'd probably do very well living together. We're very compatible.

But still, I just wasn't feeling it.

We talked about it probably a month ago, so that if I broke it off it wouldn't be completely out-of-the-blue to him. Kinda shitty if you ask me, but I couldn't be one of those, "Sorry, it's just not working out." no explanations kinda girls. He deserved to know why. But I didn't want him to think it was an impulsive decision. I know how much he cares for me, and I told him that I love him the same as I've always loved him, but that I don't feel the same love I know he feels for me. And that's never fair, to either party. So, I told him how I was feeling and that I didn't know what to do with that just yet, but that I wanted him to know, just in case.

Well, nothing changed for me since that talk, and I can't

Can't even finish my thought without tears coming on. I care for him very much, and I love his family and I treasure his friendship, but it's just not fair to him; to be with someone who doesn't love him (friendship/Christian love is different).

So I broke up with him. And I cried the whole time. And I feel like such an asshole. Because I can't imagine how he must feel. If it were me, I'd feel angry and helpless because I can't do anything to change the way someone feels. I would hurt because just because the relationship ended doesn't mean the feelings just *poof* go away. And I would want to talk about it until we were back together.

So, I'm sorry. I understand if you hate me; I hope you don't. I understand if you want to make me out to be a bitch; I hope you don't. I hope you can forgive me.

1 comment:

  1. He doesn't hate you or think you're an asshole or a bitch. From what he's told me, as hard as he seems to be taking it, he really is trying to be understanding of your situation. He hasn't said a single spiteful or mean thing about you. He's hurting, but give him time. I really think that if he cares as much about you as he seems to, he'll want to maintain the friendship that you've had for so many years.


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