Wednesday, December 2, 2009

What's the point

Monday night, as I was trying to fall asleep, I was hit by this incredible sadness. I ended up crying for about 30 minutes.

It's been a little over 4 years since I moved back home after separating from my now-ex husband. Not much has changed since then:

- I still work for the same company, having only changed positions (and pay grade) once
- I still live with my parents and am struggling to save money for my own place
- My ex-husband is still behind on his child support payments
- I still have my part-time job with no line-of-sight to whether or not it will ever replace my full-time job
- I still weigh more than I should

Granted, some things have changed:

- I've been in a relationship for 6 months
- I've lost 20 pounds in the last 3 months
- My daughter started Kindergarten this year and my mom is watching her in the afternoons, so I'm not spending $800 on childcare each month
- I am in charge of a committee, help with the kids groups, serve on the diaconate and sing in the choir at my church
- I'm down to 1 kidney after a successful donation 2 years ago

And yet, I'm not happy. I mean, I am happy and grateful for all that I have, but I'm still in a funk. My younger sister is married, living in her own place, able to afford new video game consoles and pets and vacations. And I'm divorced, trying to raise a kid without the help of her father, paying for all of her expenses without financial help from her father, paying for her airfare to visit her father who hasn't held a job in 2 years and hasn't paid child support in 18 months, I drive a 45 minute commute each way to work, I don't get to take my daughter to her dance lessons because they start in the afternoon on a weekday, I haven't gone out on any "girls night out"s in over 4 months because I can't afford it and/or don't have time in my schedule, my most frequent "alone time" with my boyfriend occurs when I walk him to his car after he's been at my house for dinner with my daughter and my parents, I'm no longer satisfied by my full-time job, the most "immediate" house I could kinda afford if my parents helped me out would be a manufactured home, I have to work from home at night to make up for the few minutes I miss in the morning because my daughter's school starts at 8 and I have to drive the 55 South every morning, all I want to do when I get home from work is crawl in bed and hide out in my room...

My boyfriend is attending college 4 days a week and has a part-time job at his church, both at least 60 minutes away from my office and at least 45 minutes from my daughter's school, so having a place together in the near future wouldn't be financially feasible. We're probably looking at a few years before we live together and/or get married. I get depressed thinking that I'll either be in my parents' home for that much more time, or that I'll have to live in an apartment or cheap (scary) house if I want my own place due to some "fun" credit happenings preceding my divorce.

So, what's the point. Why do I go on if in 4 years, nothing has changed much, and it doesn't seem much will change at all in the next few years?

I feel like giving up. Why try to make things any better, if 4 years of such effort has proved pointless?

My fearless child, friends and I on Tower of Terror at DCA

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