Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Running scared

I am scared.

Really scared.

Like, going through all of the worst scenarios that could possibly happen SCARED.

My daughter has a fever. It's been over 100 degrees for the past three days and taking Tylenol only helps a little bit. This morning and yesterday morning it was 103 without the Tylenol.

And she's not eating. Yesterday she had a granola bar. And some 7UP (trying to get her to consume some calories). This morning I gave her a bowl of dry Cheerios to munch on during the day. She took a couple bites, then turned them down, saying they tasted funny. The last time she actually ate enough food for me to consider it a meal was Friday's lunch. Every meal since then she's just picked at.

And she's tired. I knew she was coming down with something when we were at Disneyland on Saturday and before it got dark she was asking to go home. That's not like my daughter. I thought she was getting a bit better Sunday night when she smiled at a joke I made, but yesterday she pretty much slept on the couch downstairs while I was at work.

I'm going to take her to the doctor this afternoon, and I'm sure they'll say it's just a bug that's going around, but I'm so scared it's going to be something much worse. The child who's at my house right now is not my child. She has no energy, no appetite, doesn't even mind that she's napping all day (she despises naps; says they're boring). She just lays in bed or sits in her chair and stares into space or tries to read without remembering what words were on the page. And even though she knows that the Tylenol is supposed to help, she almost cries when I give it to her because she says it's too sweet.

I'm so scared that this is something she's not going to recover from. No improvement in the last 3 days, and no signs of improvement today. The selfish part of me isn't sure I can handle this as a single mom. I mean, I know I've got my family and my church, but I'm the one covering her on insurance. There's a $2400 deductible I have to meet before the majority of the costs are covered. I have it, but I was saving it for a house. I'm not saying I wouldn't take it from savings to help her, but that would be a major setback for us when she gets better. I feel like I am forced to take 3 steps back for every 1/2 step I take forward.

And if she doesn't get better, I don't know what I'm going to do. She's my angel. I know I bitch a lot about being a single parent, but she's my whole life, and I can't even imagine my life without her. And yet, that's all I can focus on today - the 'what if' she doesn't get better.

I'm just so scared for her. And I'm scared for me.

Friday, April 9, 2010


I'm in for it now. All day the bile in my stomach has been threatening to rise up and tear at my esophagus, I haven't been able to focus, I've got a monster headache,I've been dreading going home and I am having to rearrange my weekend for the worse.

I forgot to do my homework. Or rather, Em's homework. And not really forgot, but mis-read the deadline. Twice. Twice I checked the deadline and TWICE I read that it was due on the 21st. I triple checked it this morning: it's due the 12th. The assignment was given before the start of Spring Break so that we parents would have time to help our Kindergarteners with their project, since the teacher was aware that students were likely to be out of town during the break.

So tonight, Em and I get to start and likely finish buidling an El Pollo Loco. Her entire class is building their community, one business per child. I know that this is Kindergarten and they are not expecting world-class construction, but I also know that there is no way a Kindergartener can do this all alone. The parents are asked (in not so many words) to help their children. Which means I, being a perfectionist, cannot just let her hand in a cereal box with the El Pollo Loco logo stuck on the front. We need to spend some quality time on this. Quality time that we barely had.

The first week of Spring Break, Em and my mother took a road trip to see a friend up North. The second week of Spring Break, I, thinking that I had another 2 weeks, took Em to El Pollo Loco to take pictures of the building so we'd know what we were trying to make. But that was all we did. I partially (just a smidge) blame it on being a single parent; it's hard to work full time, drive home for 45 minutes, find time to relax for a bit before dinner, then work on building a restaurant before my daughter has to go to bed. And it's not fair to ask my mom to help (though I did ask) because she's home with her all day; Em is my child, not hers.

I blame myself on many levels for this major screw up, feel just awful about it, and the old panic I always felt as a child in school when I didn't do my homework on time has taken over again. I was a good kid, smart and curious. But close to the end of elementary school, things changed (that's a whole different blog/therapy session) and I began to despise school and homework. So I would put it off until the last minute, then get myself all worked up because I only had a few hours to start and finish a big report or project.

Seems nothing's changed in almost 10 years. I feel unworthy of being a parent; if I hate homework so much, how can I persuade my child to do it? And this is just Kindergarten. If she's building an El Pollo Loco in Kindergarten, what can I expect in 1st grade? I know that I'm not supposed to do her homework for her, just help her, but c'mon! Build an El Pollo Loco? I know she's smart, but she's only 5! I'm not so sure I'm cut out for this. It's like the parent who is telling their kids not to do something, even though they did it as a child/youth. I feel so hypocritical. I know homework is good for her on so many levels, but I hate it with a passion and really hope that feeling doesn't show through to her.

Like I said: I'm in for it now. Big time.

We did it! After some overnight drying, we're done! It took 4 crayons, 3 shoeboxes, 2 types of glue and a lot of patience. But we did it!

My fearless child, friends and I on Tower of Terror at DCA

Website Builder