Wednesday, December 2, 2009

What's the point

Monday night, as I was trying to fall asleep, I was hit by this incredible sadness. I ended up crying for about 30 minutes.

It's been a little over 4 years since I moved back home after separating from my now-ex husband. Not much has changed since then:

- I still work for the same company, having only changed positions (and pay grade) once
- I still live with my parents and am struggling to save money for my own place
- My ex-husband is still behind on his child support payments
- I still have my part-time job with no line-of-sight to whether or not it will ever replace my full-time job
- I still weigh more than I should

Granted, some things have changed:

- I've been in a relationship for 6 months
- I've lost 20 pounds in the last 3 months
- My daughter started Kindergarten this year and my mom is watching her in the afternoons, so I'm not spending $800 on childcare each month
- I am in charge of a committee, help with the kids groups, serve on the diaconate and sing in the choir at my church
- I'm down to 1 kidney after a successful donation 2 years ago

And yet, I'm not happy. I mean, I am happy and grateful for all that I have, but I'm still in a funk. My younger sister is married, living in her own place, able to afford new video game consoles and pets and vacations. And I'm divorced, trying to raise a kid without the help of her father, paying for all of her expenses without financial help from her father, paying for her airfare to visit her father who hasn't held a job in 2 years and hasn't paid child support in 18 months, I drive a 45 minute commute each way to work, I don't get to take my daughter to her dance lessons because they start in the afternoon on a weekday, I haven't gone out on any "girls night out"s in over 4 months because I can't afford it and/or don't have time in my schedule, my most frequent "alone time" with my boyfriend occurs when I walk him to his car after he's been at my house for dinner with my daughter and my parents, I'm no longer satisfied by my full-time job, the most "immediate" house I could kinda afford if my parents helped me out would be a manufactured home, I have to work from home at night to make up for the few minutes I miss in the morning because my daughter's school starts at 8 and I have to drive the 55 South every morning, all I want to do when I get home from work is crawl in bed and hide out in my room...

My boyfriend is attending college 4 days a week and has a part-time job at his church, both at least 60 minutes away from my office and at least 45 minutes from my daughter's school, so having a place together in the near future wouldn't be financially feasible. We're probably looking at a few years before we live together and/or get married. I get depressed thinking that I'll either be in my parents' home for that much more time, or that I'll have to live in an apartment or cheap (scary) house if I want my own place due to some "fun" credit happenings preceding my divorce.

So, what's the point. Why do I go on if in 4 years, nothing has changed much, and it doesn't seem much will change at all in the next few years?

I feel like giving up. Why try to make things any better, if 4 years of such effort has proved pointless?


  1. Aw, it's easy to get all down in the dumps about how shitty your life is but you should really concentrate on all those GREAT things that you listed. I know exactly how you feel though...
    I've been married for 4yrs, we live with my parents (trying to build our credit for our own house), havent saved any $, my younger brother lives in his own apartment & is getting married next month & possibly buying a house in the next year. WTH?

    All I can do is hope & pray that it'll be my/our turn to have good luck soon :)

  2. Please hang in there. I know I'm not in your shoes and can't begin to imagine how you feel, but it will get better. Know that you are a wonderful mom and you're stronger than you know.

  3. Hi! Been there too, same but different. From zero jobs to two full time jobs (don't want to do that again). Two ex-husbands - where they got the houses and I got the kids. You will survive, I promise. I'm going to follow your blog, and take a look at mine if you like,, where I talk about similar things. PS, I live in government housing, it's nice though.

  4. You know, you have the greatest friend in the world anyone could have .... Him ! I am nearly 60 years old, divorced about 5 years ago, only son left home years ago and I have been living totally on my own for the past 5 years. I lost my job due to illness, and although recovered, at my age, no employer wants to know .... I went through a period of real depression then I started talking to Him and learning to listen .... my life circumstances still have not changed, but I am at peace with my life now and grateful for what I do have. When bad times tend to take over my emotions, I just chat to my best friend and ask for help ... and you know .... things don't end up seeming quite so bad ..... hang in there .... you ahve a lot to rejoice over, the main thing your wonderful wonderful daughter ... God has truly blessed you with her and your time will come again.

  5. While the lack of support from your Ex-Husband isn't ideal, have you looked at a change in geographical location to a much cheaper part of the country where your dollar might go a bit further?


My fearless child, friends and I on Tower of Terror at DCA

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