***WARNING: MILD FOUL LANGUAGE USED***
...Even if that means pissing off my ex-husband.
This year, for her summer visitation with her daddy, "Em" went to Washington by car instead of airplane. Her paternal grandparents took her up there, and her daddy will bring her back down. For as long as we've been discussing her return (since before she even left), "Jake's" sister "Alice" was going to come down with them and we were all going to go to Disneyland together when they return.
Yesterday I got to speak to "Em" on the phone (YAY!!) and then talked to "Jake" about the details about their return. They're leaving on Friday late afternoon/evening and should be in Orange by Saturday night. They may drive through the night, they may stop in Oregon for the night before resuming the drive Saturday morning. "Em" will stay with "Jake" and "Alice" at their motel until Monday night, when she'll come home after Disneyland.
When I asked "Jake" if "Alice" was going with us to Disneyland, he said, "No, 'Alice' can't come." That was it. I prodded further, asking if it was going to be just him and "Em" then. No, it wasn't going to be just the two of them. "Jake's" mom's best friend's fiance was coming with them.
WHAAATTT?!?! A man I've never met and Em's only known for four weeks, staying in a motel room with my daughter for 3 nights?!? Excuse the language, but HELL NO!!
Now, I didn't say it like that to "Jake," but I did tell him (as my mom said last night, "Like Simon Cowell, the truth but with no diplomacy") that I don't know how well "Jake" knows this man, but I don't know him and that he was going to have to get his own motel room because I wasn't going to let him sleep in the same room as my daughter. My FIVE-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER!
Both my mom and my dad agreed that I could have said that in a nicer way, to not sound like I was demanding "Jake" to get a separate room from the man, and that I really don't have a say in what "Jake" does during his visitation with "Em."
I kind of see their point, but my instinct says, "No, I'm right." "Jake" may still share legal custody (getting to make decisions about her care) of our daughter with me, but excuse me, I'm the one who is raising her. Not him. He sees her a few weeks every year, by HIS choice! He doesn't want to raise his own kid, what gives him the right to change plans on me WITHOUT TELLING ME UNTIL TWO DAYS BEFORE THE TRIP, and what in his history gives him the right to make the decision to have a stranger sleep in the same room as my daughter? This is the same man who let my daughter, when she was THREE-YEARS-OLD watch the first "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie! I love that movie, but it is in no way appropriate for a three-year-old to watch. A rating of PG means that as a parent you need to use your judgement before letting your child watch that movie. Sorry, but that judgement was lacking then, and I personally think it's lacking now. I have half a mind to take tomorrow off and fly up to WA to pick up "Em" and spare "Jake" the drive down, just so I know she's safe.
I may have not been diplomatic in telling "Jake" that the man traveling with him and "Em" is not allowed to sleep in the same room as my daughter, but I will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to protect my daughter. And if that means he's pissed off at me, so be it.
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Monday, September 1, 2008
Unfair and totally legal...
Sometimes I just don't understand people's thought process. Something inside their brain just doesn't work the way mine does. And yet, though they make a mistake that causes my stomach to turn into knots, there is nothing I can do about it, because in the eyes of the law, it's not illegal. Just maybe unethical or stupid. And it's not fair. I have been trying to look at his from the other person's point of view, but I just can't do it!
Imagine you are babysitting a child whom you know well and whose parents you know well. Maybe you are even best friends with the parents and they ask you to watch their child a few times a year. And this time, the parents are gone for the weekend and you are watching their child for two, maybe three days. While the parents are gone, you decide that the child should have his/her ears pierced. You think they look great and can't wait to show the parents how gorgeous their child looks with these holes in his/her ears.
Now, this is hard for me to imagine myself doing because I wouldn't do something to a child that is not my own, no matter how much I love the child or how much I think I am like family to that child. Altering a child's appearance is a decision that should be left to the parents. Let me rephrase that...Altering a child's appearance is a decision that should be left to the person/people responsible for raising that child.
In child custody laws, there are two kinds: physical custody, and legal custody. Physical custody refers to who the child lives with the majority of the time. Sometimes physical custody is split 50-50 when the parents live close to one another. Other times, physical custody means the child lives with one parents for most of the year, and visits with the other a few times due to distance or other reasons. Legal custody means the child legally still "belongs" (for lack of a better term) to a parent, or both. If while in the presence of one parent the child becomes injured, if the parent has legal custody (though not necessarily physical custody), that parent can make a decision for the child to get the medical help they need. Legal custody allows the parent to make decisions for the child; decisions the child would not necessarily be able to make for themselves.
So, in theory, a parent could have legal custody but not physical custody and still decide whether to pierce a child's ears, get them a tattoo, cut their hair, get rid of their glasses and give them contacts, whatever, all because they still legally have that right.
Something like this happened to a friend close to me. She has full physical custody of their daughter, her ex-husband has visitation a few times a year, and they both still have legal custody over their child. My friend raises her daughter by herself; her ex lives far enough away that he doesn't help. He's supposed to pay child support, but he hasn't in a long time, and my friend is not in a financial position to try to take him to court over it. She makes all the day-to-day decisions for her daughter. She pays for school, lessons, food, clothes, housing, extra fun activities her daughter enjoys, has to make sure her daughter does her homework, completes her chores; all the joys of being a parent. My friend does this all on her own. Yet, this summer, while her daughter was on vacation with her ex and his family, my friend's ex decides to get the daughter's hair cut. Short. Very short. No calls to the mom to make sure it's alright, just up and does it.
Legally, he's within his right. My friend can't sue him for it. But ethically, it's just not fair. What gives him the right to avoid taking any responsibility for his child, yet make an appearance-altering decision for her. I know that hair grows back, but still! That's not something you do for someone who in all other terms is a stranger to you. At least not without consulting the other parent. What's next? Nose piercings and "I Love Dad" tattoo's?
Unfair. At least it seems that way to me. Am I wrong?
Imagine you are babysitting a child whom you know well and whose parents you know well. Maybe you are even best friends with the parents and they ask you to watch their child a few times a year. And this time, the parents are gone for the weekend and you are watching their child for two, maybe three days. While the parents are gone, you decide that the child should have his/her ears pierced. You think they look great and can't wait to show the parents how gorgeous their child looks with these holes in his/her ears.
Now, this is hard for me to imagine myself doing because I wouldn't do something to a child that is not my own, no matter how much I love the child or how much I think I am like family to that child. Altering a child's appearance is a decision that should be left to the parents. Let me rephrase that...Altering a child's appearance is a decision that should be left to the person/people responsible for raising that child.
In child custody laws, there are two kinds: physical custody, and legal custody. Physical custody refers to who the child lives with the majority of the time. Sometimes physical custody is split 50-50 when the parents live close to one another. Other times, physical custody means the child lives with one parents for most of the year, and visits with the other a few times due to distance or other reasons. Legal custody means the child legally still "belongs" (for lack of a better term) to a parent, or both. If while in the presence of one parent the child becomes injured, if the parent has legal custody (though not necessarily physical custody), that parent can make a decision for the child to get the medical help they need. Legal custody allows the parent to make decisions for the child; decisions the child would not necessarily be able to make for themselves.
So, in theory, a parent could have legal custody but not physical custody and still decide whether to pierce a child's ears, get them a tattoo, cut their hair, get rid of their glasses and give them contacts, whatever, all because they still legally have that right.
Something like this happened to a friend close to me. She has full physical custody of their daughter, her ex-husband has visitation a few times a year, and they both still have legal custody over their child. My friend raises her daughter by herself; her ex lives far enough away that he doesn't help. He's supposed to pay child support, but he hasn't in a long time, and my friend is not in a financial position to try to take him to court over it. She makes all the day-to-day decisions for her daughter. She pays for school, lessons, food, clothes, housing, extra fun activities her daughter enjoys, has to make sure her daughter does her homework, completes her chores; all the joys of being a parent. My friend does this all on her own. Yet, this summer, while her daughter was on vacation with her ex and his family, my friend's ex decides to get the daughter's hair cut. Short. Very short. No calls to the mom to make sure it's alright, just up and does it.
Legally, he's within his right. My friend can't sue him for it. But ethically, it's just not fair. What gives him the right to avoid taking any responsibility for his child, yet make an appearance-altering decision for her. I know that hair grows back, but still! That's not something you do for someone who in all other terms is a stranger to you. At least not without consulting the other parent. What's next? Nose piercings and "I Love Dad" tattoo's?
Unfair. At least it seems that way to me. Am I wrong?
Monday, July 14, 2008
Welcome to me
I will admit this right off the bat: I know life is easier for me than many other single parents. But I don't want to discredit myself and say that life as a single mom is a cake-walk. My daughter and I live with my parents in the home I grew up in. I live rent-free and my parents do most of the grocery shopping. And yet I still feel the strain of bringing up my daughter without the support of a spouse. I love living with my folks, not just for monetary reasons, but because my daughter gets to spend so much time with her grandparents. She loves greeting them when they come home and covering them with hugs and kisses at bedtime. They enforce the rules that I have for my daughter and she respects them the way she does me, yet she knows that they are her grandparents and I am her mother.
My ex-husband and I are still on good speaking terms, so I won't bad-mouth him here. I will, however, post menial complaints just to vent my frustration. But to keep the peace and maintain my daughter's emotional stability, I never say a harsh word about my ex if it could come back to my daughter. For that reason, if I mention my ex, I will use the pseudonym "Jake." "Jake" lives in another state, so every summer, my daughter, "Em," visits him for 5-6 weeks. She also visits him on Thanksgiving every other year, and Christmas the alternate years. He calls her about once a month, and if she ever wants to call him, we almost always end up leaving a message on his voicemail. But more often than not, when she says "I want my daddy" or "I miss my daddy," it's because she's trying to get out of picking up her toys or brushing her teeth. I'll blog about how we deal with that another time.
I work full-time and make decent money...if I was just supporting myself. However, because in addition to car payments, insurance, gas for my car and my cell phone bill, I also have my daughter's pre-kindergarten tuition, dance lessons, swim classes and her clothes, having our own place isn't a reality. My take-home pay after taxes, 401(k), health insurance, and life insurance is enough to afford a studio apartment for my daughter and I, if only we didn't need to eat or need electricity. Such is the life of living in Orange County. When I was going through my divorce, my parents offered to let my daughter and me live with them until I could find a place of my own. Three years later, they've seen the prices of housing go up and would rather have me here with them than living in a scary part of town where I need three deadbolts. So, rather than have a place of my own, I live with my parents and save money.
I've thought about moving out of Orange County, possibly out of California. But my family is here. My church is here. It was hard enough moving out of state to be with my then-husband and his family. The only people I knew were his immediate family. When we decided that we were getting divorced, "Jake" told me to move back with my family, that he knew how much I loved and missed and needed them. My family and my church are my support system, and I don't know where I would be without them. I have a few friends across the country, but to uproot myself again would be hard, and it would be especially tough on "Em." The only life she knows is here in Orange with my parents and me. We moved back home during the divorce when she was just 16 months old; she has no memory of "Jake" and I being married and living together. This house we live in is her world, and to take her away from her family and church and friends at this age would upset her whole balance.
I've dated two men in the 3 years since my divorce, each for only a couple of months. I find it hard to date when my life revolves around "Em." I work, bring "Em" home, help get dinner ready, put "Em" to bed, then I'm just plain tired. And since I live with my folks, I do have live-in babysitters, but I try not to ask them to watch my daughter more than a couple of times a month, and when my part-time job has me out a few nights a month, it's hard to get out. And it's not like I'm the best pick in town. How would my personal ad run? "Divorced mom of one seeks single guy to be available whenever I am, but doesn't expect me to be available when he is. Must love kids that aren't his and must want to come second in priority." Yeah, not so much. I'm trying to believe that when I'm supposed to be with the right guy, I'll meet him.
Well, it's time I headed to bed. My hope is to post once a week. It might be more if I have a particularly hard day.
My ex-husband and I are still on good speaking terms, so I won't bad-mouth him here. I will, however, post menial complaints just to vent my frustration. But to keep the peace and maintain my daughter's emotional stability, I never say a harsh word about my ex if it could come back to my daughter. For that reason, if I mention my ex, I will use the pseudonym "Jake." "Jake" lives in another state, so every summer, my daughter, "Em," visits him for 5-6 weeks. She also visits him on Thanksgiving every other year, and Christmas the alternate years. He calls her about once a month, and if she ever wants to call him, we almost always end up leaving a message on his voicemail. But more often than not, when she says "I want my daddy" or "I miss my daddy," it's because she's trying to get out of picking up her toys or brushing her teeth. I'll blog about how we deal with that another time.
I work full-time and make decent money...if I was just supporting myself. However, because in addition to car payments, insurance, gas for my car and my cell phone bill, I also have my daughter's pre-kindergarten tuition, dance lessons, swim classes and her clothes, having our own place isn't a reality. My take-home pay after taxes, 401(k), health insurance, and life insurance is enough to afford a studio apartment for my daughter and I, if only we didn't need to eat or need electricity. Such is the life of living in Orange County. When I was going through my divorce, my parents offered to let my daughter and me live with them until I could find a place of my own. Three years later, they've seen the prices of housing go up and would rather have me here with them than living in a scary part of town where I need three deadbolts. So, rather than have a place of my own, I live with my parents and save money.
I've thought about moving out of Orange County, possibly out of California. But my family is here. My church is here. It was hard enough moving out of state to be with my then-husband and his family. The only people I knew were his immediate family. When we decided that we were getting divorced, "Jake" told me to move back with my family, that he knew how much I loved and missed and needed them. My family and my church are my support system, and I don't know where I would be without them. I have a few friends across the country, but to uproot myself again would be hard, and it would be especially tough on "Em." The only life she knows is here in Orange with my parents and me. We moved back home during the divorce when she was just 16 months old; she has no memory of "Jake" and I being married and living together. This house we live in is her world, and to take her away from her family and church and friends at this age would upset her whole balance.
I've dated two men in the 3 years since my divorce, each for only a couple of months. I find it hard to date when my life revolves around "Em." I work, bring "Em" home, help get dinner ready, put "Em" to bed, then I'm just plain tired. And since I live with my folks, I do have live-in babysitters, but I try not to ask them to watch my daughter more than a couple of times a month, and when my part-time job has me out a few nights a month, it's hard to get out. And it's not like I'm the best pick in town. How would my personal ad run? "Divorced mom of one seeks single guy to be available whenever I am, but doesn't expect me to be available when he is. Must love kids that aren't his and must want to come second in priority." Yeah, not so much. I'm trying to believe that when I'm supposed to be with the right guy, I'll meet him.
Well, it's time I headed to bed. My hope is to post once a week. It might be more if I have a particularly hard day.
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