***WARNING: MILD FOUL LANGUAGE USED***
...Even if that means pissing off my ex-husband.
This year, for her summer visitation with her daddy, "Em" went to Washington by car instead of airplane. Her paternal grandparents took her up there, and her daddy will bring her back down. For as long as we've been discussing her return (since before she even left), "Jake's" sister "Alice" was going to come down with them and we were all going to go to Disneyland together when they return.
Yesterday I got to speak to "Em" on the phone (YAY!!) and then talked to "Jake" about the details about their return. They're leaving on Friday late afternoon/evening and should be in Orange by Saturday night. They may drive through the night, they may stop in Oregon for the night before resuming the drive Saturday morning. "Em" will stay with "Jake" and "Alice" at their motel until Monday night, when she'll come home after Disneyland.
When I asked "Jake" if "Alice" was going with us to Disneyland, he said, "No, 'Alice' can't come." That was it. I prodded further, asking if it was going to be just him and "Em" then. No, it wasn't going to be just the two of them. "Jake's" mom's best friend's fiance was coming with them.
WHAAATTT?!?! A man I've never met and Em's only known for four weeks, staying in a motel room with my daughter for 3 nights?!? Excuse the language, but HELL NO!!
Now, I didn't say it like that to "Jake," but I did tell him (as my mom said last night, "Like Simon Cowell, the truth but with no diplomacy") that I don't know how well "Jake" knows this man, but I don't know him and that he was going to have to get his own motel room because I wasn't going to let him sleep in the same room as my daughter. My FIVE-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER!
Both my mom and my dad agreed that I could have said that in a nicer way, to not sound like I was demanding "Jake" to get a separate room from the man, and that I really don't have a say in what "Jake" does during his visitation with "Em."
I kind of see their point, but my instinct says, "No, I'm right." "Jake" may still share legal custody (getting to make decisions about her care) of our daughter with me, but excuse me, I'm the one who is raising her. Not him. He sees her a few weeks every year, by HIS choice! He doesn't want to raise his own kid, what gives him the right to change plans on me WITHOUT TELLING ME UNTIL TWO DAYS BEFORE THE TRIP, and what in his history gives him the right to make the decision to have a stranger sleep in the same room as my daughter? This is the same man who let my daughter, when she was THREE-YEARS-OLD watch the first "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie! I love that movie, but it is in no way appropriate for a three-year-old to watch. A rating of PG means that as a parent you need to use your judgement before letting your child watch that movie. Sorry, but that judgement was lacking then, and I personally think it's lacking now. I have half a mind to take tomorrow off and fly up to WA to pick up "Em" and spare "Jake" the drive down, just so I know she's safe.
I may have not been diplomatic in telling "Jake" that the man traveling with him and "Em" is not allowed to sleep in the same room as my daughter, but I will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to protect my daughter. And if that means he's pissed off at me, so be it.
Showing posts with label custody. Show all posts
Showing posts with label custody. Show all posts
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
I miss my baby
Yup, I said it. I miss her. Em has been at her dad's house for 2 weeks now. I didn't cry when she left, as I had in years past. This time it took 2 weeks for the emotion to catch up with me. I think I was actually unconsciously trying to run away from it.
I've pretty much only been home to sleep. Em left my house on the 12th (she didn't actually head out of state until the next morning); I spent that night with my family, boyfriend and friends singing Karaoke at my favorite bar. I took the 13th off since I usually don't do well the day of/after Em leaves. I spent the day getting prep work done for a root canal, then just loafed around the house. On the 14th, my parents, my boyfriend and I saw "My Sister's Keeper." On the 15th, I got my root canal done, then went to Disneyland with my boyfriend to take random and fun pictures. The 16th I went shopping for a baby gift and had Sushi with my mom (and later my sister, her husband and his mom and her boyfriend showed up). On the 17th I went to a youth event at church; we played Quelf, ate dinner, took in a late Harry Potter movie, then slept on the floor. The 18th saw exhaustion as I woke up on the floor of the church, had a quick coffee with some of the other youth sponsors, took a nap, went to a baby shower, then went swimming at a friend's house to cool off.
After church on the 19th, I took myself out to lunch and then took a 4 hour nap. Monday the 20th I went out to dinner with a couple of girlfriends. Wednesday the 22nd I was out in L.A. taking my Life Agent (Life-Only and Accident and Health Agent) license test (I passed, woohoo!) and celebrated by having dinner and dessert at a friend's house. Thursday the 23rd I went out to dinner with more girlfriends. Friday the 24th I went out to dinner with the same girlfriends from the night before, plus a few of their men. Saturday the 25th my boyfriend and I went to the OC Fair and Disneyland. And yesterday I went out to my boyfriend's church and then his house for his grandma's birthday celebration. And that's where I finally broke into tears.
On Saturday, while at the Fair, my ex-husband called with Em on the phone, who was crying so hard she was hiccuping. She'd woken up from a nap and instantly started to cry for me. I was on the phone with her for about 20 minutes trying to get her to stop crying. She missed me, and I didn't try to dismiss that, but acknowledged it and tried to get her to tell me all that she'd been doing so far at her dad's house. I think it was a combination of her schedule being totally disrupted and being old enough to actually realize how much time had passed and how much more time was ahead of her before she came home. I did my best to calm her down over the phone with loud fair noises around me. I hung up missing her a bit and feeling that heart-pain that only comes from being separated from your child; it's hard to describe, but almost every parent has felt that at some point. Your heart literally aches and feels like it's sunk farther into your chest than physically possible. But I only thought about it for a minute or so.
Then yesterday, my boyfriend's mom asked how my mom was doing, and I jokingly responded, "I don't know, I've barely seen her!" (I live with my parents). I explained that I'd been out a lot since I'm childless for a while. Then she asked me how she was doing and if I got along with my ex. I tried to keep it light, since we were celebrating her mom's birthday, but gave the brief synopsis of keeping the relationship amicable for Em's sake, and how frustrating it is to be supporting her without my ex-husband. While talking about it, I felt my eyes welling up and made my way to the restroom. And I let loose. Full-on sobbing hot tears. And in trying to not let anyone else hear it, I cried even harder. I think I cried for about 10 minutes before I was able to clean myself up enough to make it to the front door so I could finish in my car parked next to the house. When I finally went back into the house, either no one knew I'd been crying, or they politely let me be.
I wonder if I'll ever not cry when my daughter's away, or if I even want that to happen.
I've pretty much only been home to sleep. Em left my house on the 12th (she didn't actually head out of state until the next morning); I spent that night with my family, boyfriend and friends singing Karaoke at my favorite bar. I took the 13th off since I usually don't do well the day of/after Em leaves. I spent the day getting prep work done for a root canal, then just loafed around the house. On the 14th, my parents, my boyfriend and I saw "My Sister's Keeper." On the 15th, I got my root canal done, then went to Disneyland with my boyfriend to take random and fun pictures. The 16th I went shopping for a baby gift and had Sushi with my mom (and later my sister, her husband and his mom and her boyfriend showed up). On the 17th I went to a youth event at church; we played Quelf, ate dinner, took in a late Harry Potter movie, then slept on the floor. The 18th saw exhaustion as I woke up on the floor of the church, had a quick coffee with some of the other youth sponsors, took a nap, went to a baby shower, then went swimming at a friend's house to cool off.
After church on the 19th, I took myself out to lunch and then took a 4 hour nap. Monday the 20th I went out to dinner with a couple of girlfriends. Wednesday the 22nd I was out in L.A. taking my Life Agent (Life-Only and Accident and Health Agent) license test (I passed, woohoo!) and celebrated by having dinner and dessert at a friend's house. Thursday the 23rd I went out to dinner with more girlfriends. Friday the 24th I went out to dinner with the same girlfriends from the night before, plus a few of their men. Saturday the 25th my boyfriend and I went to the OC Fair and Disneyland. And yesterday I went out to my boyfriend's church and then his house for his grandma's birthday celebration. And that's where I finally broke into tears.
On Saturday, while at the Fair, my ex-husband called with Em on the phone, who was crying so hard she was hiccuping. She'd woken up from a nap and instantly started to cry for me. I was on the phone with her for about 20 minutes trying to get her to stop crying. She missed me, and I didn't try to dismiss that, but acknowledged it and tried to get her to tell me all that she'd been doing so far at her dad's house. I think it was a combination of her schedule being totally disrupted and being old enough to actually realize how much time had passed and how much more time was ahead of her before she came home. I did my best to calm her down over the phone with loud fair noises around me. I hung up missing her a bit and feeling that heart-pain that only comes from being separated from your child; it's hard to describe, but almost every parent has felt that at some point. Your heart literally aches and feels like it's sunk farther into your chest than physically possible. But I only thought about it for a minute or so.
Then yesterday, my boyfriend's mom asked how my mom was doing, and I jokingly responded, "I don't know, I've barely seen her!" (I live with my parents). I explained that I'd been out a lot since I'm childless for a while. Then she asked me how she was doing and if I got along with my ex. I tried to keep it light, since we were celebrating her mom's birthday, but gave the brief synopsis of keeping the relationship amicable for Em's sake, and how frustrating it is to be supporting her without my ex-husband. While talking about it, I felt my eyes welling up and made my way to the restroom. And I let loose. Full-on sobbing hot tears. And in trying to not let anyone else hear it, I cried even harder. I think I cried for about 10 minutes before I was able to clean myself up enough to make it to the front door so I could finish in my car parked next to the house. When I finally went back into the house, either no one knew I'd been crying, or they politely let me be.
I wonder if I'll ever not cry when my daughter's away, or if I even want that to happen.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Unfair and totally legal...
Sometimes I just don't understand people's thought process. Something inside their brain just doesn't work the way mine does. And yet, though they make a mistake that causes my stomach to turn into knots, there is nothing I can do about it, because in the eyes of the law, it's not illegal. Just maybe unethical or stupid. And it's not fair. I have been trying to look at his from the other person's point of view, but I just can't do it!
Imagine you are babysitting a child whom you know well and whose parents you know well. Maybe you are even best friends with the parents and they ask you to watch their child a few times a year. And this time, the parents are gone for the weekend and you are watching their child for two, maybe three days. While the parents are gone, you decide that the child should have his/her ears pierced. You think they look great and can't wait to show the parents how gorgeous their child looks with these holes in his/her ears.
Now, this is hard for me to imagine myself doing because I wouldn't do something to a child that is not my own, no matter how much I love the child or how much I think I am like family to that child. Altering a child's appearance is a decision that should be left to the parents. Let me rephrase that...Altering a child's appearance is a decision that should be left to the person/people responsible for raising that child.
In child custody laws, there are two kinds: physical custody, and legal custody. Physical custody refers to who the child lives with the majority of the time. Sometimes physical custody is split 50-50 when the parents live close to one another. Other times, physical custody means the child lives with one parents for most of the year, and visits with the other a few times due to distance or other reasons. Legal custody means the child legally still "belongs" (for lack of a better term) to a parent, or both. If while in the presence of one parent the child becomes injured, if the parent has legal custody (though not necessarily physical custody), that parent can make a decision for the child to get the medical help they need. Legal custody allows the parent to make decisions for the child; decisions the child would not necessarily be able to make for themselves.
So, in theory, a parent could have legal custody but not physical custody and still decide whether to pierce a child's ears, get them a tattoo, cut their hair, get rid of their glasses and give them contacts, whatever, all because they still legally have that right.
Something like this happened to a friend close to me. She has full physical custody of their daughter, her ex-husband has visitation a few times a year, and they both still have legal custody over their child. My friend raises her daughter by herself; her ex lives far enough away that he doesn't help. He's supposed to pay child support, but he hasn't in a long time, and my friend is not in a financial position to try to take him to court over it. She makes all the day-to-day decisions for her daughter. She pays for school, lessons, food, clothes, housing, extra fun activities her daughter enjoys, has to make sure her daughter does her homework, completes her chores; all the joys of being a parent. My friend does this all on her own. Yet, this summer, while her daughter was on vacation with her ex and his family, my friend's ex decides to get the daughter's hair cut. Short. Very short. No calls to the mom to make sure it's alright, just up and does it.
Legally, he's within his right. My friend can't sue him for it. But ethically, it's just not fair. What gives him the right to avoid taking any responsibility for his child, yet make an appearance-altering decision for her. I know that hair grows back, but still! That's not something you do for someone who in all other terms is a stranger to you. At least not without consulting the other parent. What's next? Nose piercings and "I Love Dad" tattoo's?
Unfair. At least it seems that way to me. Am I wrong?
Imagine you are babysitting a child whom you know well and whose parents you know well. Maybe you are even best friends with the parents and they ask you to watch their child a few times a year. And this time, the parents are gone for the weekend and you are watching their child for two, maybe three days. While the parents are gone, you decide that the child should have his/her ears pierced. You think they look great and can't wait to show the parents how gorgeous their child looks with these holes in his/her ears.
Now, this is hard for me to imagine myself doing because I wouldn't do something to a child that is not my own, no matter how much I love the child or how much I think I am like family to that child. Altering a child's appearance is a decision that should be left to the parents. Let me rephrase that...Altering a child's appearance is a decision that should be left to the person/people responsible for raising that child.
In child custody laws, there are two kinds: physical custody, and legal custody. Physical custody refers to who the child lives with the majority of the time. Sometimes physical custody is split 50-50 when the parents live close to one another. Other times, physical custody means the child lives with one parents for most of the year, and visits with the other a few times due to distance or other reasons. Legal custody means the child legally still "belongs" (for lack of a better term) to a parent, or both. If while in the presence of one parent the child becomes injured, if the parent has legal custody (though not necessarily physical custody), that parent can make a decision for the child to get the medical help they need. Legal custody allows the parent to make decisions for the child; decisions the child would not necessarily be able to make for themselves.
So, in theory, a parent could have legal custody but not physical custody and still decide whether to pierce a child's ears, get them a tattoo, cut their hair, get rid of their glasses and give them contacts, whatever, all because they still legally have that right.
Something like this happened to a friend close to me. She has full physical custody of their daughter, her ex-husband has visitation a few times a year, and they both still have legal custody over their child. My friend raises her daughter by herself; her ex lives far enough away that he doesn't help. He's supposed to pay child support, but he hasn't in a long time, and my friend is not in a financial position to try to take him to court over it. She makes all the day-to-day decisions for her daughter. She pays for school, lessons, food, clothes, housing, extra fun activities her daughter enjoys, has to make sure her daughter does her homework, completes her chores; all the joys of being a parent. My friend does this all on her own. Yet, this summer, while her daughter was on vacation with her ex and his family, my friend's ex decides to get the daughter's hair cut. Short. Very short. No calls to the mom to make sure it's alright, just up and does it.
Legally, he's within his right. My friend can't sue him for it. But ethically, it's just not fair. What gives him the right to avoid taking any responsibility for his child, yet make an appearance-altering decision for her. I know that hair grows back, but still! That's not something you do for someone who in all other terms is a stranger to you. At least not without consulting the other parent. What's next? Nose piercings and "I Love Dad" tattoo's?
Unfair. At least it seems that way to me. Am I wrong?
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Anticipation and Anxiety
Every summer my daughter visits her dad "Jake" in his home a few states away. We alternate who has her for the 4th of July; this year she was with me, leaving a few weeks later. Next year, he'll have her for the 4th as part of her visitation with him. As per our divorce and custody agreement, "Jake" has to fly here by himself, then fly with "Em" back to his house. When the visitation is over, he flies with her here, then returns alone. Until she is old enough to fly by herself (which I'm still not sure I want to do when the time comes; you never know what kind of people are on that plane), this is how it works, unless "Jake" wants to drive out here and drive back with "Em." But who wants to be driving for 18+ hours, let alone with a 4-year-old. So about 2-3 months before her visitation, I start looking at flight schedules and prices. About a month later we buy their "together" tickets; "Jake" buys his tickets for his flight with "Em" and I buy her tickets. "Jake" is then responsible for buying his own "alone" tickets. The majority of the time, "Jake" flies in the night before his "together" flight with "Em" so as to avoid any problems with delayed flights. He'll fly in, I pick him up at the airport, and he stays the night at our house. Then I drive them both to the airport the next day. Last year, we tried having "Jake" fly in the morning of their "together" flight, scheduled for early evening. What a disaster. To make a long story short, his flight was canceled, we had to change "Em's" departing airport and flight time, and she and I ended up running through the terminal (barefoot, since we'd taken our shoes off for the security portion) and I practically threw her and her belongings at "Jake" since their plane was waiting for them to board. I didn't get to say goodbye to her, and I cried the whole way home.
This year, "Jake" is flying in the day before. I still don't know which airport he's flying into, or when he arrives. For all I know, he's coming in on a flight that lands while I'm at work. He has either neglected or forgotten to share this information with me. Cuz, you know, I'm so hospitable and conforming, I'll just "work my life" around him. Whatever. Anyway, "Em" and I have things we have to do the morning and early afternoon of her flight, and I don't want to drive her around town then pick up "Jake" at my house and take them to the airport. I would rather not have "Jake" with us, as this is my last day with "Em" and it's special "Mommy/Daughter" time. So I left "Jake" a voicemail telling him that he'll need to get a hotel room for the night. I don't know if the airport he's coming into is the same as the one he and "Em" leave out of the next day. He may have to get a shuttle from his hotel to the appropriate airport. I don't know. But, even though I've put him up in our house in the past, there's nothing in our custody agreement that says I'm responsible for providing him a place to stay if he comes in the day before they fly out together. I'm not trying to be mean, and I'm sure he thinks I'm a (insert word for female dog here), but this is what happens when you don't share your plans with people and just expect them to be accommodating.
And I'm not exactly in the right mood to put up with him right now. "Jake" just finally started a job after being unemployed for almost a year. Therefore, child support payments have been few and far between. I can't legally prevent him from his visitation with "Em" until he pays me the 5 months of owed support, but it just doesn't seem fair. He chose not to work. In the beginning it was because of a pre-existing injury that was stressed by his previous job, but to not work at all while going to school one day a week seems just lazy to me. Why he couldn't get a job at McDonald's or a retail location? If you can't find the job you want, you get something to tide you over until you find it. Anyway... So he's been living off his V.A. partial-disability payments this whole time, which means he doesn't have money saved up in case of emergency. If something happens to "Em" while she's up there, he can't pay for medical services.
I'm excited that I get 5 weeks to be childless, but at the same time, I know I'll miss her. My friends ask me what I do when she's gone: party, shopping, date, vacation? My answer: sleep. For some reason, even if I get the recommended 8 hours of sleep every night, being a mom seems to sap all my energy away. So I recover for 5 weeks. Other friends, mostly parents, say "Wow, 5 weeks, that's a long time! Won't you miss her?" My answer: nope. I really will miss her, but I don't go crazy. Most "nuclear" families have a trade-off. Mom goes out with the girlfriends while Dad stays at home with the kids. Dad goes out with the guys, Mom stays at home. I don't get that. So these 5 weeks, in theory, are all of those trade-offs combined. But, my daily life changes little while she's away. When "Em" is here with me, she goes to preschool a few blocks from my work. So we get to carpool in the morning and evenings; a 20 minute drive-time versus 50+ minutes. But, when she's with her dad, I either have to fight traffic to get to work on time or convince my boss to let me do my morning work from home and get there at 10:00 after traffic has died down. But I can't get any overtime right now, so staying later at work to avoid rush-hour traffic is not feasible. I think I might start going to my gym, also a few blocks from work, until 6:30 or so. A little exercise won't kill me. But that puts me at home around 7, and by then there's no energy left to put into going out for the night. I am having a small party one Saturday while "Em" (and my folks remarkably) are gone, but the rest looks to be like my normal life, except with no child. And though 5 weeks is long for a child, it's short for me. It seems like just a few weeks ago "Em" turned 4; that was actually in April. And looking ahead, Halloween seems just around the corner; I've already turned in my request to my boss to leave early that day to avoid the mass of people trying to get home before dark. When "Em" and "Jake" take off from the airport, inside I'll sigh and say to myself, "Five whole weeks...what'll I do with myself." But before you know it, there's only a week left, and I haven't done anything different than what I'd normally do with "Em" here.
Ah, such is the life of a parent.
This year, "Jake" is flying in the day before. I still don't know which airport he's flying into, or when he arrives. For all I know, he's coming in on a flight that lands while I'm at work. He has either neglected or forgotten to share this information with me. Cuz, you know, I'm so hospitable and conforming, I'll just "work my life" around him. Whatever. Anyway, "Em" and I have things we have to do the morning and early afternoon of her flight, and I don't want to drive her around town then pick up "Jake" at my house and take them to the airport. I would rather not have "Jake" with us, as this is my last day with "Em" and it's special "Mommy/Daughter" time. So I left "Jake" a voicemail telling him that he'll need to get a hotel room for the night. I don't know if the airport he's coming into is the same as the one he and "Em" leave out of the next day. He may have to get a shuttle from his hotel to the appropriate airport. I don't know. But, even though I've put him up in our house in the past, there's nothing in our custody agreement that says I'm responsible for providing him a place to stay if he comes in the day before they fly out together. I'm not trying to be mean, and I'm sure he thinks I'm a (insert word for female dog here), but this is what happens when you don't share your plans with people and just expect them to be accommodating.
And I'm not exactly in the right mood to put up with him right now. "Jake" just finally started a job after being unemployed for almost a year. Therefore, child support payments have been few and far between. I can't legally prevent him from his visitation with "Em" until he pays me the 5 months of owed support, but it just doesn't seem fair. He chose not to work. In the beginning it was because of a pre-existing injury that was stressed by his previous job, but to not work at all while going to school one day a week seems just lazy to me. Why he couldn't get a job at McDonald's or a retail location? If you can't find the job you want, you get something to tide you over until you find it. Anyway... So he's been living off his V.A. partial-disability payments this whole time, which means he doesn't have money saved up in case of emergency. If something happens to "Em" while she's up there, he can't pay for medical services.
I'm excited that I get 5 weeks to be childless, but at the same time, I know I'll miss her. My friends ask me what I do when she's gone: party, shopping, date, vacation? My answer: sleep. For some reason, even if I get the recommended 8 hours of sleep every night, being a mom seems to sap all my energy away. So I recover for 5 weeks. Other friends, mostly parents, say "Wow, 5 weeks, that's a long time! Won't you miss her?" My answer: nope. I really will miss her, but I don't go crazy. Most "nuclear" families have a trade-off. Mom goes out with the girlfriends while Dad stays at home with the kids. Dad goes out with the guys, Mom stays at home. I don't get that. So these 5 weeks, in theory, are all of those trade-offs combined. But, my daily life changes little while she's away. When "Em" is here with me, she goes to preschool a few blocks from my work. So we get to carpool in the morning and evenings; a 20 minute drive-time versus 50+ minutes. But, when she's with her dad, I either have to fight traffic to get to work on time or convince my boss to let me do my morning work from home and get there at 10:00 after traffic has died down. But I can't get any overtime right now, so staying later at work to avoid rush-hour traffic is not feasible. I think I might start going to my gym, also a few blocks from work, until 6:30 or so. A little exercise won't kill me. But that puts me at home around 7, and by then there's no energy left to put into going out for the night. I am having a small party one Saturday while "Em" (and my folks remarkably) are gone, but the rest looks to be like my normal life, except with no child. And though 5 weeks is long for a child, it's short for me. It seems like just a few weeks ago "Em" turned 4; that was actually in April. And looking ahead, Halloween seems just around the corner; I've already turned in my request to my boss to leave early that day to avoid the mass of people trying to get home before dark. When "Em" and "Jake" take off from the airport, inside I'll sigh and say to myself, "Five whole weeks...what'll I do with myself." But before you know it, there's only a week left, and I haven't done anything different than what I'd normally do with "Em" here.
Ah, such is the life of a parent.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
My fearless child, friends and I on Tower of Terror at DCA
Posts
