A Dream is a Wish

I've always wanted to believe that dreams were either your heart's desire being shown to you or true communication with God. But I find that my most vivid dreams come from eating a weird combination of foods or just dealing with stress. But wouldn't it be nice if the really good dreams were to come true?

I've had a few recurring dreams that are just so weird, they stick with me forever. I've had a few dreams "come true" in the sense that when I had a déjà vu moment, it was reminiscent of a dream I'd had before. I've had a recurring dream that I've interpreted as a psychological fear of being silenced or not being allowed to speak.

But I had a dream yesterday that was nice, fun and made me feel content. But upon reflection, I am horrified that I a) had the dream and b) enjoyed it. It is a dream that reflects a want on my part that, unless a major tragedy struck, would never come to be. And yet, I still want to go back to that dream, because it's easier to live in that fantasy than to admit to myself that it'll likely never become a reality. And there is nothing I can do to make that dream come true. It's out of my hands.

A wish is a prayer without a specific diety to whom you are directing the request. And when we wish for something, whether it's on a star, while pulling on a wishbone from a chicken, or when the clasp of a necklace has snuck to the front, it's usually something silly. Like a 5-year-old wishing for a pony even though she has nowhere to put it. But when we pray, more often than not, it's for something serious, like the strength to deal with an uncomfortable working/living situation, for healing, for comfort. Sometimes we pray just to remind ourself that God is always there for us. And I find it hard to pray for something that I know God is unlikely to give me. Because it's not God's way to give me what I want, but what God wants for me.

I do believe that God answers prayers, though we may not always hear the answer or the answer may not always reveal itself to us right away. And I believe that God does not answer every prayer in the way that we want. We will get an answer, just not always the answer we want. But when I focus on the answer that I want instead of the answer I'm likely to get, I don't hear an answer at all. And then I just keep praying for the same thing over and over again, refusing to accept the answer I'm getting. I might want 1+2 to equal 4, and I can keep insisting over and over again that 4 is the right answer, but God will always insist that 3 is the true answer, even if I'm being stubborn and choose to ignore God. The answer will always be 3.

It's easy to recite the Lord's Prayer: "Thy will be done..." but it's not always easy to truly believe that. When something isn't going the way we want it to, then it's not truly God's will we are seeking, but our own.

I wish that I could have as vivid a dream as Joseph had when God told him to take Mary and Jesus to Egypt. I wish it because I don't think that it's a serious request on my part. Upon reflection, what I'm praying for seems to be more of a wish, something not serious enough to be worthy of a prayer to God. Even though it weighs heavily on my heart, I can't bring myself to pray to God about it. Because I know what the answer will be, and I know I won't like it.

So I think I'll just go back to dreaming. For dreams are wishes, not prayers.

Whoa! Dream Big!

Being a single mom, I have learned to accept that there are somethings I won't be able to do, at least for awhile. No cross-country road trips with girl friends, no back-packing across Europe, no living in Italy for months with immersion as the only way to learn the language. It's just not possible for me at this point in my life. But I do still have dreams. I dream of having my own home in Orange County so that I'm close to my family and my church. I dream of going to Hawaii for a honeymoon (that goes along with my dream of marrying a fantastically well-read, educated, kid-friendly man). I dream of taking a cruise to the Caribbean. And I also dream of being able to work from home so that I'm able to spend more time with my daughter.

A few weeks after I learned that my now-ex-husband and I were pregnant with our daughter, I joined a well-known direct sales company (per company rules, I cannot promote my business by name on any website) that sells cooking utensils. I did it to earn money while not working during my pregnancy. 5+ years later I'm still selling for them, mostly to earn what I call "Disneyland money;" My daughter and I both have annual passes and this second job helps pay for them. And it would be very nice if this could be my full-time job, but seeing as how being self-employed means paying high premiums for healthcare, I feel tied to my "real" job in the health insurance industry. But, my direct sales job does have it's perks: I decide how much to work, when to work, plus I get a discount on the things I sell (great for stocking up for my future kitchen). And, every year they have an incentive trip; sell enough for the company and you get to go somewhere for free! This year the incentive is a trip to Walt Disney World in Florida. Early entry into one of the parks, dinner at another park, travel allowance, breakfast with favorite characters, the works! I've never earned a trip in the 5 years that I've been selling, but that's because I consider myself a "casual consultant." In it for the extra cash, not for life. And the goal for the best option for the trip is very high; do-able, but high. My average yearly sales are about $6000, only 5% of what I need to earn the best option for the trip! But every year consultants across the country make this goal and have the time of their life courtesy of this company.

So, even though I've never sold enough to earn even the first level of the incentives, I'm going to quote Juno (though out of context) and "Dream Big!" They say that if you aim for the moon and miss, at least you'll land among the stars (I never really agreed with this saying because it was said before people knew that stars are even farther out of reach than the moon). If I don't make it to the best option for this incentive, at least I will have earned a lot more money than I have in the past, and I may even make it to Florida on the company, but just not stay as long as I would with the top option.

So here's to dreaming big and working hard! Perhaps my New Year's Resolution should be to make more phone calls for my business and put more shows on my calendar. I may not go to Walt Disney World on my company's dime, but I might just make it that much easier to reach next year's goal.

(P.S. If you're interested in helping me reach my goal of going to Walt Disney World and would like to host a party for the above un-named direct sales company, you can reach me by clicking on my profile and sending me an e-mail. Sorry, doesn't hurt to ask for business.)